I woke up and I am still pissed off at the world. A lot of spiritual types would condemn me for being angry and tell me that I'm being negative. I don't agree. Anger is one of the emotions that we feel to help us grow and learn so anger here I am.
According to the course in miracles, anything that isn't love is fear. So, maybe the question is 'what am I afraid of?' Well, I'm afraid of a lot of things. A prominent fear that I have in the forefront of my mind these days is that I made a horrible mistake leaving my safe job and that I can't actually make a living playing music. And yes I know... this phrase is met with literally 1000s of other musicians who are more than ready to tell me that you can't make a living with music anymore. But, I know that people do it and I even personally know many that are doing it right now so I know that it is possible and also, where you put your energy grows.
So, then my next fear is that I'm just not good enough. This is a huge fear because I have ears and eyes and see and hear a lot of "musicians" who aren't good, who can't sing but think they can, or can't play and think that they can. So, are these people Delusional? Deaf? And, if they are in this state of insanity, it is certainly possible that I am there too, right? This is how my brain works, as it spirals out of control, and, yes, it does drive me crazy some times.
After I've tortured myself for a while with these thoughts, I hear a smaller voice - spirit - and it says that it's not about being the best or even about being good. It's about being authentic and that's what people like. So, the new question becomes "what does it mean to be authentic?" Again, it comes back to "who am I as an artist, doesn't it?" Or maybe it has more to do with performing from a true place of transparency. I know that the artists that I respect are quite honest in their performance meaning that I feel like they are real people and that, through their performance, I have just witnessed a true piece of their soul. You know? What do you see when you go to a concert that moves you? How do artists' connect with you?
So my question to myself today is "How can I live a more authentic life and as such become a more authentic person?"
I will ponder this for the day. And you know what... I'm feeling a whole lot less angry. :) Blogging is good for me.
Have a wonderful day.